As I get my house ready to put back on the market, I’ve been spending a lot of time perusing home-buying sites; I’m learning a new lexicon. (I’m also learning that some Realtors are truly horrid photographers. Could you not move the pile of dirty clothes off the bed before taking that shot? And how about doing the dishes? Also, that fish-eye lens is fooling no one.)
Speaking the lingo, as it were, makes scanning listings go a lot more quickly (not that it matters right now; the pickings are slim in February).
• “Cozy?” Small.
• “Charming?” Far too small.
• “Adorable?” Far too small, plus twee wallpaper in every room.
• “Quaint?” It’ll be needing a new electric panel and plumbing.
• “Luxurious?” Bad taste in expensive carpeting.
• “Near?” In the bad neighborhood adjacent to the one in which you’re interested.
• “Refurbished?” Lick-and-a promise paint job and cheap carpeting.
• “Renovated?” Original woodwork is likely missing. As are interior walls.
• “New?” Not interested.
• “Professionally decorated?” By a professional decorator? Really?
• “One-of-a-kind?” There’s a reason for that.
• “Nice?” If that’s the best descriptor…it’s probably not.
• “Park like?” There are two trees.
• “Investment opportunity?” You’d be embarrassed to collect the rent on the sh*thole.
• “Needs a little TLC?” Zuul lives in the basement.