Rude Mechanicals Press Blog

Not only do the appliances not match (horrors!) they don’t work. Were it not for electricity and hot water, it would be like squatting in a vacant home. In fact, most of the stuff on the first floor belongs to the former owners (I gave them until the end of July to find space for the stuff). And the bulk of my stuff won’t be here until next week. It really doesn’t feel like my house yet.

Does “HolyshitwhathaveIdone?!” count as buyer’s remorse? I really don’t regret selling my old house and I know that this one is going to be fabulous…in 10 years. But right now all I can see is an empty bank account and a K2-sized mountain of work. (It was Mt. Everest-sized…so I guess that’s progress.)

The closing was May 29; I had $20,000 remaining after signing the documents. As of June 6, I have (maybe) enough for a cup of coffee (gas station coffee, not coffee shop coffee).

What was the second-floor kitchen. I’d call it the junk room, but at the moment they are all junk rooms.

At the moment, other than the microwave I brought with me, there is not a working appliance in the house. The 25-year-old stove on the second floor worked on all fronts at inspection; apparently it was held together by crud. After being moved to the garage, cleaned, then installed in the first-floor kitchen? Nope.

I’ve ordered the least expensive gas stove in the Bosch offerings (the former owners have kindly offered to give me $100 toward a stove; that’s the least for which I could find a decent one on Craigslist). It should be in later this week.

The refrigerator that was on the second floor also worked at inspection. It, too, was moved to the garage and cleaned. It might still work, but there’s no electric in the garage so I can’t test it (and my extension cords are still on a truck). I hear it was literally hosed down and scrubbed. I’m guessing direct hits of water aren’t good for coils. Even if it does work, “energy efficient” is not in its lexicon.

So I went a little nutty and ordered the nowhere-near-least-expensive refrigerator in the Bosch offerings – the one I’ve been coveting for years but couldn’t fit in my old house (36″-wide, French door, counter-depth with bottom freezer). It, too, should be in later this week. I’ve already had to remove a cabinet so that it will fit.

See? Junk. And still not the right paint color.

Granted, a dishwasher is non-essential. But the first-floor kitchen (henceforth known as the kitchen) has a dishwasher in place; one can use it only as a dish-drying rack.

So I got a new one of those, too. Again with the Bosch. Which got to me to three kitchen appliances and a rebate as a result (hey – those brand-loyalty programs really work!).

It’s on backorder for a couple weeks…which is a good thing because it’s 1/4″ too wide to fit the space; that gives me time to hack off the 1/2″-wide trim from the edge of that cabinet run.

But the above is the comparatively cheap stuff. And I’ve resigned myself to the laundromat for the foreseeable future.

The roof, gutters and a few downspouts are in the midst of repair, though my roofer seems to have disappeared. I trust he’ll be returning; his tools are in what will be my study.

A lovely statement for any study.

On June 15, the HVAC work commences. The new furnace is (I’m told) incredibly quiet, 98-percent efficient, and approximately the size of a footlocker on end; that’s about one-quarter the size of one of the two existing units. It’s going in what will be the hand-tool and bench area of the shop. My bench room just got a lot bigger.

I’m also having a/c installed…about a week too late. I’ll be spending the rest of this day – projected to be 87° – editing at the local coffee shop…even though I can’t really afford to buy a drink from the nice people there.

And there are still floors to refinish and 20 new windows that need buying – and of course, I want wood frames, at least on the interior. With what money I do not know (if anyone needs any editing…do get in touch). The eight on the second floor simply must be replaced by winter – otherwise, I’ll be throwing money right out the window and the gaps around them.

Addendum (because I’ve heard a few kind people are genuinely concerned): By “out of money” I mean that I can’t do things like buy $20k in new windows right now or have the floors refinished. I can easily afford groceries (as soon as I’ve the appliances to both store and prepare them later this week)…and coffee. I am perhaps employing a wee modicum of hyperbole above.

Monday, the appraiser came. I’ve heard neither yea or nay, but I’m not too worried – the ‘hood is hot right now and the price of this place is more than reasonable. (OK, I’m a little worried…because worry is what I do. But I’m trying to stuff it down.)

Next Monday, I have the inspection. I feel certain the inspector will hate me; I am annoyingly inquisitive (and yes, if he climbs onto the roof, I’ll be right behind, thank you very much). About the inspection, I’m really not worried; I pretty much know what I’m getting into (expect the complete renovation reveal in…2020 at the earliest).

If When when the house is mine (May 29th – fingers crossed), I’ll show actual pictures thereof.

In the meantime, let’s talk about the tree that’s covering it.

It’s a dogwood (I believe Cornus florida), but also goes by other names.

“Dagwood” is among them, from “dag” or “dagger,” because this hardwood is very strong and broken-off bits make an excellent weapon (I’m a single woman in the mean city…). It was also used for arrows and tools handles, among other things.

Legend has it that the cross on which Christ was crucified was made of dogwood – and that its current gnarled shape is thanks to, following resurrection, his twisting the branches so the dogwood could never again be used for such a purpose. And the flowers are said to represent the four corners of the cross, with the red fruit representing his blood.

“Whipple-tree” or “whippeltree” is another moniker, and it’s mentioned by Chaucer in “The Knight’s Tale:”
But hoe the fyr was maked upon highte
Ne eek the names that the trees  highte
As ook, firre, birch, aspe, alder, holm, popler,
Wylugh, elm, plane, assh, box, chastyen, lynde, laurer
Mapul, thorn, bech, hasel, ew, whippeltree–
How they weren feld shal nat be toold for me; (2919-24)

A pyre for a god – Arcite – apparently requires a great many species.

But my favorite dogwood tree association is found in Shakespeare…of course. That’s the character of Dogberry (the dogwood’s fruit) in “Much Ado About Nothing” – which is among my top-five favorites plays (No. 1 is a moving target).

Dogberry is a delightful idiot, known for his pretentions and malapropisms (a favorite is, “O villian! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this!”).

So, not only will a be able to cobble together a great shop in my new basement, I’ll be able to practice MAAN lines. I shall sit on my new porch (hidden behind the dogwood tree) and yell at passersby: “Away! you are an ass, you are an ass.” It’s the late-16th-century version of “get off my lawn.”

When I get tired of that, I’ll trim the tree. And perhaps cast some daggers.

“She speaks poniards, and every word stabs.”